ain’t an age matter

For sure NOT!

I’m Brazilian, I’m so tolerant with diferences - behavioural, cultural… whatever! It’s true that I don’t  have the patience of an oyster  with green and immature acts (of boys - specially!). However, I’m NOT an old and grumpy woman.

Despite my preferences for 40-year men, I deal with younger ones quite fine. I’m versatile, adaptable… I admit that is possible learning a lot with youth, in addition to take a ‘new energy’ shower and also re-evaluate the concepts of past. After all, I’m a open mind person, attended ("antenada"). I've always been.

By the way... Syntony(!) - I believe that this is essential for harmony in any kind of relationship (between friends, lovers, neighbours, colleagues, roommates, relatives,… doesn’t matter!). Being connected is all there is! - with or without ulterior motives.

God works in mysterious ways

In Portuguese, it is said that He writes correctly on winding lines. It’s true. Probably now, at this exact moment, we are not going to understand why some things are happening in this or that way, but someday (soon) we’ll.

How many times this happened yet? Many - I guess. After some time, the answer comes… and everything start to make sense, forming a big and complex puzzle - piece by piece, until complete our lives.

However, the landscape it will show, you can and should choose by yourself, using your free will while you are constructing it.

my own saint

For the first time in my life I can say loud and clear: I have a saint of mine. It is Saint Nicholas. In this way, he seems being not so famous, but used to be also called Santa Claus (Sinterklass in Dutch). Ok… now is easy to recognize him – after all, who doesn’t know who is the Father Christmas? – unfortunately, diffuse around the world by Coca Cola’s Christmas advertisings since 1931, which changed his look by the hands of Haddon Sundblom.

On the other hand, he is known because of his life, the good example set by him – chiefly as a result of he has done, that until nowadays serve us as a lesson, a model of charity and goodness. It is inspired in his story that I’m trying to lead my life as of now through the best way and reach the elevation of the mind to God by my good thoughts and acts. All this, in addition to visiting his house everyday – to thank him in loco for the present opportunity unique and also his help.

In my case, this prayer is individual. Nobody can do it for me… over and above most part of people simply doesn’t understand me or believe on that, or worst: not even know who he was! It happens in the best of families. In mine, everybody has yours and their rituals, so why I couldn’t have my personal one? Yes, I can… and I do! Bless me.

Amen!

forrobodó

Avoiding my twisted roots.

I’m impressed with the quantity of Brazilians in Amsterdam. Actually, sometimes some of them simply don’t seem as us (or ‘Am I an E.T.?’). I know that our country is too huge and our culture is so vast… So, is understandable that I am not like most of them (or they aren‘t like me). However, it doesn’t mean that I'm proud or agree with their behaviour.

Their limited music preferences (sertanejo, forró and pagode - the popular ones, not the classic and 'old school'), alongside the wrong way to talk (I’m sure that I can speak English better than they the correct Portuguese!) leave me upset! Not only that, but some (dispensable) little lies and excuses, as the mania to be in vantage of others, besides the excessive sexuality etc, defame and also defile our reputation abroad.

I would like to be now in touch with another people, practicing my English or trying to speak Dutch or other language, learning (about) another culture, getting its new background… I need this break and not to be living this lack (a typical “samba do crioulo doido”) .

I wish for novelty (and respect!).

burning Jones

(as Judas…)

Can you imagine being created a peculiar occasion only because of you?!

How are you going to feel yourself about that? - Important?! Well, today can be considerate 'my day' and I'm not glad about that...

Even being somewhat similar a holiday, it has not a noble intention. Occuring just in order to exalting my acts and choices, today they are trying to throw me to the wolves.

The main aim of the commemoration meeting is salt my game, cram both my style and reputation… if possible - of course. After all, others’ opinion is not an unique and doubtless truth.

Fortunately, there are people in this cruel world with a minimun of good sense of facts. Furthermore: our importance is given by other people. Thus, I reckon I'm really special and powerful. Though, I'm not going to celebrate it.

zead is dead, baby

Zead is dead...

Dammit, I'm in "trouble": my dream is over!
(It just came true...)

From now, doesn't matter anymore what happened until this exact moment... it is past. Everything changes as of now...

How will be the future?

Read about the 'scenes of the next chapters' here and you will know.

disaffection

It is something in which I’m working so hard while I’m packing my suitcases and set in order my stuffs putting it in boxes. 

“Eeny Meeny Miny Moe” - I have to hold everything on my hands, one by one, and wonder myself if it will be useful when I come back later… Chose if I’ll donate, give to a friend, box it or even take it with me there.

What is really worth to keep with me, even aloof?  - stagnant, useless. I admit I’d prefer to turn anything more useful for someone else, than let it aside for a long time.

However, I should practice more my unconcern about some mere objects that will only keep energy completely immovable, once incased. I’m trying…

Hence I swear I’m going to heaven as a result of my unpredicted goodness. I’m changing… moving (on). It is pretty good… turns anyone in a better person.

morrer na praia

(or something like: snatch defeat from the jaws of victory...)

From the beginning to the end. It was the start-spot of everything. I couldn’t forgot to visit Iemanjá in her kingdom!

It’s simply wonderful can dive into the sea, take a sun shower, saying goodbye to Rio in the best possible way: on the beach.  On the other hand, this is the exact place where some goals die… (in Portuguese means something doesn’t happens when is in the pipeline).

I’m a battle woman. I live here since 2004, overcoming all difficulties. Definitively: it is (and will be) NOT my case, even being tired and a little depressed due to a hard and painful 2010.

Offer and protection for a much better 2011. Thanks, inclusively by all mistakes… (that happen, and became me even stronger)

Salve, salve!

later... when?

It seems the ending of the year, when everything we haven’t already done , will be transferred for the next one! The context is another, though. Then, I really don‘t know if it will make any sense everything left behind.

Interesting: some things are only important according the place (and the time) it is occurring. Well, I hope from now acquire many others (to everything be part of the past….).

New resolutions, please!

gut feeling

I’m trying not to think about it and not to be evident that I’m nervous. The little butterflies inside me (flying in my stomach) don’t leave me sleep, or eat, nor grow my nails!

Changes are wide steps, difficult to be taken - important, though. Now is time to risk. From now, it’s impossible to come back (and this is NOT the aim!)

Take it easy! Go ahead. No fear.

an old home life versus a new one

I enjoy my life style as well as my household utensils. Every single thing I have bought until now represents I succeed. I’ve been investing in it since I moved to Rio.

Sincerely, I’m confused because I’m quite cleaved with it. Nevertheless, I know I’m getting everything again soon, in another place. Furthermore, probably, (much more) things even better.

I’m pretty happy due to this possibility.

cleaning the house up

Seven years after arriving in Rio, and this itch (proper after this run) indicates that my moment asks to ending that cycle. As a rule, many people pass through this period of difficulties - some cross it over, while other decide to change their way.

(definitely, I’ve been the second type!)

It’s a decisive time - doubtless. It’s favourable to decide what will be really valid for me in the future, everything that I want to keep belonging to me later. Then, what is not useful, is better throw it away, leave it behind.

I’m literally cleaning the house, my place, my body… everything around me mainly to release space for new energies come. It’s a “simple” matter of choise. Now or never.

supporting basis

So much emotion, many things to solve, every little detail…. At this time, some help is essential to keep my foots on the ground.

My mother, both my best friend and my fan number one, is essential at this moment. She is someone who I can not only trust but count on - always.

I'm just thanking about that because for sure I'm a very lucky daughter.

After all, it is impossible to live alone.

my life in a box

(not only one, but some… and suitcases, inclusively!)

I’m packing myself…

I could say I’m am 'in box' period of my life - strange and new. However, it is (at least) an optimistic time. Changes are good to make things better - not only which is going through a bad way, but something that is ok too (after all, everything could be improved a little!).

Classifying things by its importance and usefulness is an interesting exercise that I did only twice (and I hope it will be not necessary many more times…) Due to this break’s mean, it’s is also a sad time of memories and laments.

For sure I’m going to pack these unhappy feelings, hence don’t remain any space for it.

My moment is different, unique… I'm at my moving-hour.

Hey, ho, let’s go! Bon voyage.

california of mine

I think one of the best anniversary gifts I received (actually the most expressive, which I will never forget!) not only this year, but in my whole life, was my father's one. Asked for, he gave me his 'top ten list' of Rio Grande do Sul's Music (called there “Gaudéria” aswell), including latin songs from our hermanos.

This is our reality - for who doesn’t know us and also our culture: we are joined to them over and above borders. Unfortunately we only can’t speak the same language - in fact not EXACTLY… since, there, we are used to speak a kind of castellano, or a “portunhol” due to the proximity to them.

As a consequence to have been given to me, it is my list now! I was deeply touched when I read his email sent to me, not only owing to my birthday, whereas it is something related with my roots too. Obviously, I've approved it - as much, then I am obligated to post here! Thus, let’s see:

1 - Cordas de Espinho, from Luiz Coronel (who were my father’s college professor). Became famous the version recorded by Fafá de Belém;

2 - Guri, from Cesar Passarinho;

3 - Canto Alegretense, from Antonio Augusto Fagundes (Nico Fagundes) and Bagre Fagundes;

4 - Pedi ao Vento, from Os Monarcas (actual);

5 - Orelhano, from Eleu da Slva (doctor from Rosário do Sul), recorded by the argentine singer Dante Ramon Ledesma;

6 - Romance na Tafona, from Luiz Carlos Borges;

7 - Los Hermanos, argentine, recorded by Mercedes Sosa. However, the best version is Elis Regina’s one;

8 - El Condor Pasa, icon of Chilen’s music and latin american folklore;

9 - Céu, Sol, Sul, from Leonardo;

10 - Sabe Moço, from Leopoldo Rassier, of “Não Podemo se Entregá Pros Home” (a protest song).

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is my musical theme of my cultural roots and traditions. What is yours?

'luba' way in them!

It’s extremely important knowing who REALLY we are… our roots.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

I was going out... After a few minutes, suddenly, a figure called my attention to it, walking by my side. It was the guy I’d just meet.

- Could I escort you?
- Of course!

Then, I took off both of my headphones (or would be ‘earphones‘?). However, I said it without being sure.

- Are you Vanessa’s sister, aren’t you?

Whether coincidence or not, I started to think that conversation could be interesting.

- My name is Stevens. Sorry, I really thought you were Vanessa’s sister.
- No problem because I AM Vanessa.
- … Really?!
- Yes, I am. Could I ask you something?
- For sure.
- Are you from Africa? Aren't you?

Due to his black skin and his strong French accent, I was right that he was African.

- Yes, from Democratic Republic of the Congo.

At this very moment, I knew I’d have at least two more question to ask him.

Being Africa divided inappropriately during its colonization, to know him better, I should be more specific, more intense and cultured.

- But… Which tribe is yours?

So, he stopped to walk and look at me with watered eyes. I knew that had been strong for him...

- Abroad, NEVER, NOBODY asked me this before you! You're special for being aware about it… I’m originally from Luba.

Ready. I've already knew much more about him.

Although more important, this wasn’t the first thing I asked him:

- Do you support Mazembe (the 'Almight')?

Of course I would like to know that!

He laught gently.

Yes… he bit me.

Africans don’t fiddle about.

                                                         

 négre savoir faire

By the way, sex included.

I’m worried about the disparity between Africans and Europeans behavior, their sexual approach. While the firsts are quick-fire, I stand in fear of the others... maybe they fall behind blackmen in this aspect.

Is it possible even being the nordic giants? Oh, God… please, no!

happy me!

“Happy birthday!”; “Cheers!”; “success”; “fun“; “health”; “peace”; “love”; “fortune”; “sex”… “All the best!”; “the good things in life” or “the best ones”. Could be (“only” and) exactly what I often wish for other people on their birthdays, and I’d be the same way satisfied: 

Joys, accomplishments and good luck! - my three wishes are precisely those.

I’m so glad and thankful for all felicitations.

My new year starts now. Voilà!

chef de moi-même

Besides lots of kind words from my friends and relatives, an email received were a special gift for me because of its meaning:

From Alexandre Barreto, who cites a period of Alex Atala’s book - Com unha, dentes & cuca:

(...) Quero que as pessoas comecem a pensar antes de cozinhar e não tenham medo de errar, pois elas vão passar a ser bons cozinheiros na hora em que o erro fizer parte de suas vidas. Se o acerto faz parte da sua cozinha, o erro também tem de fazer. Cozinhar é praticar, e prática também implica em erro. Temos de perder o medo de fazer bobagem, de falar bobagem.

I answered that I’ll do many things wrong trying to settle for. Living is like that: a draft made by courage and creativity.

I’m driving my life to the right way, even taking sometimes the mistaken side.

nobody said that would be easy

Ok, but I don’t understand why the process is SO difficult... Sometimes, seems that it isn’t up to me my own future. Such is life.

I want only one thing and I wonder if is impossible OR just if it isn’t for me. Maybe now, and this is a "simple" way to notify me. Happens...  or not. I wish so, though. 

If it wont be now, I'll get it after - sooner or later. Everything will come out right in the end. God's will be done. Bless me!

worthless

(or maybe halfpenny... whatever!)

Of course EVERYTHING in this cruel life has yours worth... Although, sometimes a lot of it are “simply” (and unfortunally) forgoten, missed. I've been wondering myself why (happens in this way), but the response aren't so clear, easy to understand and consenting.

Farther on, the main point to analyse is the magnitude of our value. How much considerable people are for other ones? Are they giving us the real importance we deserve?

I was worried until realized that I don’t deserve THIS valuation by who doesn‘t care about me, my life, my dreams and soul. By the way... WHO are they to judge or determinate something about me or anybody else? (or THINK they are...?)

It isn’t so rare think about that... Probably, when I’ll have done something interesting for them, they’ll ponder their concepts - too late, but they‘ll!

Who has been forgoten, doesn’t forget.

the blame goes to...

Already regarded as the greatest natural disaster in Brazil, the landslides in the mountainous region of Rio de Janeiro leave the whole country in mourning. Hundreds died, thousands injured, many others are homeless and many are still missing ...

Bad luck, but, again, was not just blame nature. The people, governments ignore dangers and controI (or let construct) in places unfit for habitation. More than three cities were devastated by the flood, which was more like a tsunami.

Is fair that lots of people had to be gone just for everybody understand once and for all that changes are necessary? And fast! - right now. No is the answer - unfortunally.

                                                          

On the other hand, congratulations for the initiative of city government of Areal, where he was raised a warning sound system that warned citizens to evacuate homes in risk locations and go to safe places on time. The mayor of the small town, Laertes Calil Freitas, was newsworthy worldwide. 

The idea is great and works (ok - no one dead there!), but people MUST obey the request for the good of all. Smart Areal citizens! Another blessed ones, are people who is helping voluntarily the victms.

maktub

It’s impressing how things could be predicted. Maybe it could happen slowly… but it will! By the way, ‘patient’ is the main word of my current life.

I can say that I’ve passed just waiting for my future. I’ve been putting things in order to, then, move on.  

Any change, lots of feelings, everything is connected (likewise written on stars!). Nothing is by chance (even the itching that consumes me intensively).

It's almost impossible to avoid my destiny. By the way: where am I going?

Let’s see… (tickets bought, though)

no smoke without fire

I confess I am used to the new reality in Rio that is favourable for no smokers - (finally!) people there is obligated to go out of the places to do it. No excuses to light any cigarette indoor anymore… Hence, when I am in Porto Alegre I felt myself displaced.

Here, unfortunately, they still insist to continuing doing it as before all laws that have forbidden it, at least when inside. Ok… I know that their behaviour related with smoking is different of carioca’s. However, gauchos have always been more politicized…

In Rio Grande do Sul they should be more aware about that… and give a good example like in another issues. On the other hand, the situation is better now than a few months ago when everybody was used to smoke everywhere!

Well, things are improving… better: smokeless.

keep loving amy

I swear I would enjoy to go in one of her awaited concerts here in Brazil in the next days (or wherever! - Amy’s presentation is always worthwhile. However, here are some objections:

- I’ve not taken a VIP ticket or invitation;
- R$ 200 is too expensive. For me, in my present financial status, it is more that I can pay for;
- the place chosen by production  (HSBC Arena) is very far from home. It is necessary a transfer service... “Perrengue”(!);
- no one of my closer friends is going to (for me it is essential be in good company in this kind of event…)

Ok, I know that the life’s opportunities are over there and we should not waste it. Nevertheless, I’ll only another time…

Anyway… I’m (still) loving her - junkie or not (I’m not just paying for a risk - thus, I prefer her CDs, high fidelity recordings)!

somewhere

He is over there… walking, in metro, listening music, on the beach, watching concerts, drinking something, attending some course, driving, parking his car, stopped due to the traffic red light, taking for a walk his dog, telling a short story for his child, seating on the park, at club, shopping at the supermarket, choosing a DVD for tonight, cooking, working, studying, reading a book, taking a pícture, painting, riding a bike, learning another idiom; writing a poesy, an essay, a book, a thesis, a letter or lyrics; going to a stadium; playing an instrument, cards, tennis or soccer; surfing, jogging, planting flowers on the garden, travelling, giving a party; dinning, having lunch or a breakfast; supporting his team while is watching its game on television in a pub;  gazing at the sunset or sunrise; diving into the sea, sailing, flying, fishing, trekking, dancing, singing during the shower, connecting, being online, writing my blog, waiting for me… or mounting a horse - after all, what else could princes do?

Is it possible cross me on the street, looking at me (astounded), while I simply don’t see him? I must pay (more) attention... Also taking care with my appearance - even going to the bakery! It happens (of meeting someone special) when we least expect it! - maybe not, but PROBABLY, in these days your look is terrible, seems very tired and (all the worse:) you are dressed badly. [Oh, shit!]

as soon as possible

Things to do list (during this year) - which, inclusively, EVERYBODY should do... at least once:

- diving into the sea and thank Iemanjá for her protection;
- being tanned;
- applauding Ipanema’s sunset (Guaíba’s, in Porto Alegre, I’ve already seen);
- walking around in Jardim Botânico;
-  taking a waterfall’s shower;
- eyeing with devote Christ the Redeemer;
- going to Candelária's and Penha’s Churches;
- dancing in São Cristóvão Fair (not only, but MAINLY, eating some typical food there);
- visiting São João Batista cemetery (os course: just for a visitation);
- ...

*What else I would like to do and I haven't yet, here in Rio? - or I wanna again, more and more as I could...? (after all, time flies!)

More: Who is willing to come along with me while I'll be satisfying my wishes?

dias melhores... verão!

I should be tanned, thinner and this summer SUPPOSED to be such as the others... Going to the beach, diving into the sea, taking sun bath, playing volleyball, frescobol on sandy with friends... And also drinking coconut water, chimarrão or mate. Seems good (and WAS - for a long time...) Unfortunally, not anymore because I haven’t gone recently.

It was in the past... Last summer, and before that, in my early seasons in Rio. Nowadays is different, but I wish that as soon as possible I could come back and enjoy the best of my 'carioca days'. Here, all these things are about a lifestyle - the beach ones, in this case - surfing, basking, hanging (around), playing on the sandy, eyeing somebody up... telling him some lies, promess to call. CASUALLY.

Vacation, holidays, or ordinary days for who lives on the coast... I remember, missing these special moments, good friends and some places. The best (warm) weather, culture, stories and loves. Summer days, inspire me.

here I go again

Alone, in search of my happiness. With the past getting me enthusiastic, but worried about the future... This is my moment right now - of true, a challange (single and particular too).

It depends only on me, getting ahead in life. So, let's go! - no fear, alive and kicking, to achieve my goals. 

Branches or bridges… I break them both!

fora da casinha!

Of course I want to write in English as well as in Portughese, but unfortunately my vocabulary is still quite limited. I’ve been trying, straining myself to practice it, to learn more and more... Someday, for sure I’ll do it fluently, almost without doubts or mistakes.

I know that my English, even with errors, is probably better than many brazilians's Portughese, or also such as his own idiom is for an unschooled north american. However, I don’t like to write in a wrong way... Drives me crazy when I disarray my words, and the possibility to post here some unmeaning ideas.

grateful

It's time to get in touch with things we always used to dream about (or always used to care about... whatever!) - making reference to the Mutantes in their song Technicolor. 

What else can I ask or wish for? I'm right now along people who really love me, more than all... and will always be with me, wherever I go, whenever! - even if a long time passes... As much as or more than ever! 

No matter what happens: It's family, true love. "É impossível ser feliz sozinho", like Vinicius, the poet, prophesied (eternalising his verse).

*Mommy, I love you so much. Happy birthday (this is just a little gift for you)!

bunny honey

I’m really excited about what is awaited for the Chinese year of the rabbit. I sincerely hope that 2011 will be a great period...

Sex, love, work, studies, huge changes, important resolutions... everything is possible with so many possibilities. 

Let’s enjoy any special time which will come!

start it over

New year, new life.

Sometimes seems necessary dive into the past to make possible a future free of ghosts. Revisit old drama and some questionings to start anew, practically from the scratch... empty mind, without disturbing feelings. No doubts.

It's like clean out the closet: you should vacate shelves to put new things on it. When I say that, it doesn’t mean fill in with problems, though. Actually, leave soul fresh, clean, to receive good vibrations, new ideas and inspiration.

Why not a new love? A disengaged heart allow that happens.

_______________________________________________________________________

extraordinary

Still about love... there's nothing like having sex with whom you like!

Casual, just by convenience or desire happens a lot and it’s also pretty good, but when your heart beats stronger, making you bat your eyes… for sure it’s much better! It’s different because you’re making love!

A special moment, unique, rare nowadays – when what matters is quantity rather than quality. More and more, people haven't giving themselves up in relationships... including sex (exactly in this moment that is the most intimate of all).

To conclude, maybe I'm the last romantic.

just be good

So… changes are necessary.

It has been a while since I should had started… But, now, is my right moment (each one has yours). 

The fact is that, at any given time, we MUST choose what we want and go straight-ahead to make our dreams come true – nobody else is going to do it for us.

It's up to us this decision. It’s a challenge. After all, everything has its price. Effort is essential. And every blessed day is important in the direction of this way, step by step. Persistence and perseverence always!

Every now and then I wonder if I am disappointing myself just when I can't reach long-awaited scores. Then, to get closer to my goal, I decided I’m moving on. Every why has a wherefore.

*Finally, I really don’t avoid Portughese, EVEN. Could be Spanish if the world was different, or also French… and, maybe, in the future, will be another language – perhaps Chinese. Why not?

The world is round.

já vai tarde!

Maria Fernanda, uma grande amiga minha, já me disse algumas vezes (para eu NUNCA mais esquecer), que, às vezes, temos que dar graças a Deus por certas coisas que ele NÃO nos dá. Penso nisso direto (tanto, que a mula já mugiu a respeito outras vezes).

Por mais que queiramos algo, que o desejo seja forte, talvez não seja para acontecer, para ser “nosso” o que almejamos. O porquê saberemos depois, com o tempo – ele, que responde a maior parte de nossas perguntas na hora certa.

Houve cortes na minha vida este ano que passou: trabalho, amor, amizade, saúde, paz. Alguns eram previstos, outros previsíveis, mas teve os que eu não esperava e tampouco pretendia  ter. Analisando, mal tive escolha ou decidi sobre os fatos. 

Por que? – esse foi um questionamento recorrente e intenso em alguns momentos. A falta de um esclarecimento me levou pra baixo, fez-me desanimar, enfraquecendo-me. A possibilidade dar mais errado, assustava-me, mas "Já passou!", penso eu, aliviada.

Apesar de difícil, denso e pesado, não posso só reclamar de 2010. Tive Oportunidades marcantes, que, inevitavelmente, fizeram-me refletir sobre quem sou, o que busco, aonde vou e quero chegar.

Minha força foi medida nesse período; minha capacidade e limites, testados. E estou agora aqui, erguida, vendo um novo ciclo começar (e não ponho aqui o ‘re’ antes do verbo porque 2011 será diferente!).

Esse é o lado bom: a experiência que fica. Para tudo o que vier daqui por diante,  estarei preparada!  E não mudei totalmente ainda, o melhor ficou para “depois” (cenas dos próximos capítulos nos 364 dias a seguir). Aguardem.